Tacophone

So I was sitting in the park the other day when this dude walked up to me and said, "Hey, are you into tacos?"

I said, "What?"

"Tacos. Do you like tacos?"

"Fuck off, dude – what, are you gay or something? Is that some sort of slang?"

"What? No! No, I have a tacophone for sale."

Well, this had me pretty confused because I'd never heard of a tacophone before. So I said, "What the fuck is a tacophone?"

And he said, "Well, I'm glad you asked."

I rolled my eyes.

The dude showed me this cell phone that looked pretty much like a taco except it was plastic and a phone. I mean, it had buttons and shit and a part you can talk into.

"This is a tacophone," the dude said. "You press the button on the side, you talk into it, and you order tacos."

"What do you mean you 'order tacos'?"

"You know how you call up a pizza place and have pizza delivered?"

"Yeah."

"It's the same thing but with tacos."

"Are they good tacos?"

"They're all right. I'm a bad judge though because I don't like tacos."

I was disgusted. "You don't like tacos?"

"No."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me. I just don't like the texture."

"The texture?"

"Yes."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

The dude closed his eyes and sighed.

"You're getting distracted," he said. "The point is, you can use the tacophone to order tacos whenever you want."

"Are the tacos soft or crunchy?"

"Whichever."

"Is there salsa?"

"Yeah, but you have to ask for it."

"Is it good salsa?"

"I've never tried it. So, do you want the tacophone or not?"

"How much is it?"

"You have to give me your soul."

"Oh snap. Dude, that's pretty cheap."

"Yeah, it's a bargain."

"Wait, dude, did you say my soul?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck, man, that's lame. Don't I need that shit to, like, get a hard-on?"

"What? No, that's your libido."

"Oh, fuck. Cool. 'Cause that limp-dicked shit would be bunk. You want my soul, huh? Hmm. What's the soul do?"

"Practically nothing. Mostly dumb spiritual crap no one cares about. I just collect them. I've got a bunch."

"Oh, I get it. So are you like a loser demon or something?"

"A what?"

"A demon. You know, like the spawn of the devil or some lame '80s metal shit like that. Do you wear leather and eat babies and drink the blood of virgins and fuck corpses and all that noise?"

"Dude, fuck you! No! I'm a collector! I collect souls! Jesus Christ! So do you want a fucking tacophone or what?!"

"I don't know, man. I mean, could I, like, try out one of the tacos or something before I buy it?"

"Fine."

So then the dude pressed the button on the side of the tacophone and started talking into it.

"Hi. Yes, could you please send 15 tacos. I'm at the park. Yeah. Half of them crunchy, half soft. I don't know, put everything on them. Yeah. A couple chicken and a couple steak. Yeah. Pork? Uh, yeah, fine, why not. Okay. Yeah – wait, catfish? Did you say catfish? What the fuck? No, no fucking catfish. Cool. Cool, thanks. Yeah, the park. Cool. Bye."

Then he put the tacophone in his pocket and said, "They'll be here in like five minutes."

"Nice. Dude, did you get salsa?"

"Salsa? Shit, I forgot to ask. I think they send it automatically."

"Is it hot?"

He sighed. "I don't know, should I call back and request hot?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nah, it's no big deal. How much are the tacos gonna cost?"

"Nothing."

"Nuthin'?"

"Yes."

"Fuckin' A."

So five minutes later a white box labeled "TACOS" descended from the sky via parachute. The timing was good because I was hungry. The tacos tasted okay but not spectacular. But then again, they were free, so what do you expect? I ate about four tacos, and then I said to the dude, "Why did you get so many?"

And he said, "Because they were free."

"Oh, right. How American of you."

He gave me a dirty look.

So after I ate a couple more tacos the guy was like, "So what do you think?"

"About what?"

"The tacophone! Do you want to buy it?"

"Oh… meh, I don't know. Can you get burritos too? Or nachos? Can I get, like, a coke to wash it all down or something?"

"No, only tacos."

"Isn't that sort of limited?"

"This is a tacophone not a fucking Mexican restaurant. Do you want it or not?"

I ate another taco, and I thought about it.

"I don't know, dude. I mean, what if I get sick of eating tacos and only tacos?"

The dude rubbed his temples and closed his eyes; he was clearly becoming exasperated. He enunciated his words very slowly.

"You don't have to just eat tacos. You can eat whatever you want, but if you ever need tacos, you can use the tacophone to get them."

"And what does it cost again?"

"Your soul."

"No, I mean the tacos."

"The tacos are free."

"Always?"

"Yes, they are always free."

"Are you sure?"

"YES, I AM SURE."

"Well… I guess that's a pretty good deal. Do you need a decision now?"
"Sort of, yeah."

"Man, I don't know. I don't think I can make a decision right now. I mean, I've gotta think about it."

"Sorry, it's now or never. If you don't want the tacophone, I'll sell it to someone else."

"Well, I don't think I can buy it. I mean, I'm not really into impulse buys."

"This is a tacophone! The tacos were pretty good, right?"

"Yeah, they were okay."

"Well, wouldn't you like to have good tacos like that whenever you want?"

"I guess, but it's not a big deal. I'm not a taco maniac or anything. Besides, how do I know they don't sell those tacophone things for cheaper on, like, eBay or something? If I log on eBay later tonight, and someone is selling tacophones for, like, only half of a soul, I'll feel like an asshole. Plus I'd like to log on to scope it out on Amazon or CNET and see what the customer feedback is like. I mean, how do I know this tacophone will last? Is there a warranty?"

"Warranty? Customer feedback? eBay? They do not sell tacophones on eBay!"

"Well, of course you'd say that, you're a tacophone dealer, but I should check just in case."

"Ugh."

With that, the dude took off. He was pretty disgusted with me. I checked eBay later that evening and there were actually a couple of tacophones available, but they were kind banged-up looking. I was a little bummed about that. Still, I dig burritos more than tacos anyway so whatever.

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